what action in your life is worth duplication?

simultaneously horrified and super giddy and excited about our meme video and upcoming social change project. wow.

Identity, finding my voice.

Brilliant yellow leaves of the fall reminds me cool crisp beautiful death to thoughts and things that do not serve me. Adjusting to my new role of creation within the blogosphere is very intimidating, enough so that if I continue to think about it I might start feeling a little queasy with shallow breath. But "I am too scared of being a coward" (that is a quote out of something I've watched lately, bonus points to whoever can tell me) so I have plunged into a folksomony project comprised of the most amazing cast of Bainbridge Graduate Institute faculty, staff, and students. An ecosystem of humanity recorded in the modern way of sharing information, gently displacing ink and pen, we are bearing witness to another evolutionary turn of technology and time.

Doing my best to wrestle down the demons into a chokehold and observe them wiggle to be free, I feel the elation of courage, looking fear in the eye and then watching the demon evaporate into a thin wisp of reconfigured energy. Personal branding turned into a doozie knocking me for an unexpected loop and I decided that officially all of my classes can now be called learning and personal development, or simply LPD. I say this a bit tongue in cheek, but the truth of it is striking. My second year, I often find myself communicating in very intense emotional ways creating the most luminescent moments of connection during business school. We all share belief before victory. I can feel it in closing circle.

And... after complete reflection upon the branding exercise I separated the post it notes into two piles heading 1 was Mother, heading 2 Feisty and Fierce. Divine feminine can show you extreme beauty and danger and also the painful necessity of death and transformation. Just like mother earth. And on this day forward and forever more I declare my love for and wed thee sustainability until death do us part.

new blog execerpt hiphop namaste: "Finally I have risen to the surface to meet the reflection of myself diving into a long deep abyss into the shadows. I suppose we could call this my cyber blogosphere coming out party. After several weeks of deliberation and dissection of mental models I finally landed in the brave new world of me. The evolution of my voice in my own time."

Elusive Personal Brand

As mentioned before I am really hitting a wall. I am riding on an amazing tidal wave of potential energy that may propel me into an amazing space and with equal probability of outcome I may become a mangled mass of smashed bones and blood. I find google reader to be unwieldy and I feel like my hands are all greasy and I can't quite grasp it every time I do it just smashes to the floor against a hard edge of my tolerance and patience. This feeds into clouding my general feelings of enjoyment of the class. In the beginning I was super excited to leverage social media tool to create a carrotmob of conscious consumers who vote with their dollars. Now I am barely keeping my head above water forget about anything fun and inspiring just racing to keep up with an unobtainable finish line continually tripping over the ragged edges of my peasant clothing. In the next several postings I will be working backwards to try to get grounded and back on track with the class and re-align with my personal power. I think in my last post Bonnie made an interesting comment about me "owning my power". How do you own it if you don't even know what it is? The eternal paradox. I suppose I am extremely adept at projecting an image of power, but at the end of the day I feel depleted instead of inspired when I delve into my inner realms. In some ways I am stuck in a rut seeking success but unwilling to believe in myself to make it come true.

tick tock

Much gratitude to Kiki who took the time to answer my question about my reticence to start a blog, what if I die tomorrow and she reminded me to not over think it. Wow. Did she ever nail it! If I could get paid for overthinking things I would be richer than that 1% who hold all of the money and assets in the world.

I had this erroneous notion that this second year of BGI would not be as intense as the first year. Boy was I wrong. I am still reeling from intensive one and having a hard time integrating last year with this year. I wish I could just slow down time so I could think and gather those nebulous thought clouds from around my head. I keep bumping up against all of these competing commitments regarding my personal brand and the road to success. Creativity and right livelyhood and my personal brand are at a crossroads. I am beginning to wake up the fact that I was attracted to BGI because I don't have a clearly defined identity. My great strength of dexterity as a social chameleon has now become my weakness. I am having serious trouble separating me out from others. My self is buried. Sifting through the layers are exhausting. I just want to stop time, sleep, catch up on all my reading, meditate, eat and then wake up only my son so I could spend time with him and only him without the tick tock of the clock breathing down my neck.

What if I die tomorrow?

Intensive 1 was amazingly stimulating in terms of exploring personal brand. For the past week I have been thinking deeply about my own personal brand and how to capture my essence that quite possibly could become immortalized in words. Is what I have to say today profound enough to be recorded forever? What if I die tomorrow and don't have time to edit?

I am quite fascinated with the idea of creating my own living breathing document which is how I have come to conceptualize a "blog". I find it a bit intimidating to be in charge of a sustainability beat for BGI because I am fearful of my words coming back to haunt me. My thoughts and feelings are constantly morphing and I am still trying to figure out how to simultaneously preserve my privacy, have confidence in creating my personal brand, and all while trying to figure out who I am.